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9. The Goals of IFS Therapy: Working Backwards from Transformation

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9. The Goals of IFS Therapy: Working Backwards from Transformation

This article marks the beginning of a new series exploring Internal Family Systems as a therapeutic approach. Rather than presenting the goals of therapy in sequential order, we'll work backwards—starting with the ultimate destination and tracing back through each prerequisite step to understand why IFS works the way it does.

Setting the Stage: A Thought Experiment

Imagine a client or patient comes with their problems. In the beginning, they may not even know about parts, but they know they have problems. They enter what we'll call a "black box"—IFS therapy or coaching—and this goes really well. It works, it helps them, they can understand themselves better.

The question is: After they've gone through this IFS therapy, what's the goal? How do we want people to leave this time, ideally?

This becomes Goal #5—our starting point for working backwards.

Goal #5: Self-Leadership and Balance

The main goal after working with the Internal Family Systems model is that people can leave with self-leadership and balance in their system.

This means:

Self is more in leadership: Their Self, their spiritual core, is more in leadership in their system. The parts are more aligned.

Exiled pain has been unburdened and integrated: Sometimes we can't unburden every single exile, but they can be more integrated into the system, which also reduces charge.

Less polarization: In this state of self-leadership, there is less polarization and charge between the different parts.

Self as leader and negotiator: Self can be the leader and negotiator in that system. If there are problems, if there are challenges, the Self can deal with them independently. This also means somebody who has a higher degree of self-leadership doesn't need as much therapy or support as somebody who has very low self-leadership.

Individual challenges addressed: Individually, this means somebody will have dealt with some of the challenges specific to them. Different people have different challenges. For some people, their parts are overly nice; others are overly confrontational. They have specific situations in their relationships, in their work life—all of that needs individual attention. This is also included in self-leadership: some of the specific challenges that used to create a lot of charge have been worked with.

This overall orientation of self-leadership is what we hope somebody has more of. Nobody will ever have perfect self-leadership, but they will have more of it after working using the Internal Family Systems approach.

Goal #5: Self-leadership

Now we work backwards, asking: What has to happen before somebody can have more self-leadership?

Goal #4: Protectors Release Their Extreme Roles

For somebody to have more self-leadership, the main thing that needs to happen is for more Self to be able to be present, which means the parts have to step aside a bit, trust, relax—which most of all means something has to change with the protectors.

In order for somebody to have more self-leadership in their life, protectors need to release some of their extreme roles. This doesn't mean they have to completely stop what they're doing, but they have to offer more space and let go of some of their extreme roles.

What Does This Look Like?

In different terminology, this means:

Protectors have to relax and give space: They have to become aware that there's someone else, something else—Self—that they can trust, so they can relax and give space.

Build trust with Self: Protectors that really do their job because they think they have to will only step aside if there is enough trust in somebody else, something else, taking care of things.

Some protectors need unburdening: Sometimes specific protectors are so tied to their role and don't think they can let go of it, so they need help actually letting go of their extreme behavior.

Reclaim healthy capacities: When they've done that, they can reclaim healthy capacities, and once they have healthy capacities, it's much easier to align them with Self and Self-energy.

In order to have more self-leadership, first the protectors need to release their roles—or at least relax a little bit. That's the step directly before self-leadership.

Goal #4: Protectors release their roles and relax

Now the next question: What needs to happen so that protectors can release their roles and relax?

Goal #3: Unburden, Heal, or Integrate Exiles

This brings us back to the point that protectors are doing their job, fulfilling their roles, because they have to—or at least they think they have to—because of the charge and burden that exiles are carrying.

This means in order for protectors to really let go of their roles and relax substantially and long-term, we need to help exiles. We need to unburden, heal, or integrate exiles more.

What Does Unburdening Look Like?

When exiles are unburdened—sometimes completely, sometimes a little bit—or sometimes when the exile is simply held differently by Self-energy (it might hold onto its burden, but just the holding through Self-energy changes the dynamic), all of these will reduce the vulnerability of the exile and thus of the whole system.

The less charge, the less burden and pain held by the exiles, the more freely the system can move.

Releasing Burdens and Reclaiming Qualities

To reduce vulnerability, we often need to release burdens to some degree—again, not always fully. For exiles to be able to let go of their burdens, thus recovering the positive qualities they once had, this can mean:

  • Reclaiming and reowning needs that were split off and lost
  • Reclaiming Self-qualities that the exiles were carrying
  • Recovering natural ways of being: These aspects of "this is how somebody was meant to be, this was the natural way to be in the world for somebody"

Through all of that, we can have the exiles more integrated in the system—maybe not even as exiles anymore, maybe still with some burden, but more integrated.

Goal #3: Exiles release their burdens so there is less vulnerability

The protectors realize they don't have to do their job as intensely anymore.

Now the next question: What has to happen before exiles can be unburdened?

Goal #2: Find and Connect with Exiles

The very simple—and potentially simplistic—answer to what needs to happen before exiles can be unburdened is: we need to find and connect with or to the exiles.

A lot of times we are unaware of the parts in us that are carrying pain, the young vulnerable parts that are also in our system. Many people are very aware of their protectors—protectors are doing a lot of things—but when it comes to the exiles and their exact burdens, we don't know them a lot of times. Before we can help them, we need to find connection with them.

What Does This Entail?

Enough Self-energy being with exiles: We need Self-energy because these exiles need to be witnessed. They often really need to feel the care, the compassion that comes with Self, which is much more difficult, if not impossible, if we are not connected to Self and are just in parts.

Protectors need to allow this: There might be some protectors that are too worried about us connecting with an exile. If that's the case, it won't work and it won't be sustainable. The protectors need to allow us connecting to the exiles.

Witnessing and understanding: When we've done that, we really need to start off by witnessing and understanding the exile. Exiles have a need to be seen and need to be heard. They've often been split off from awareness for so long that they need somebody—and fortunately, Self is perfectly equipped to do that—to hear, see, and understand them.

Often this witnessing and the amount of Self-energy shared in that can be so important already for the healing and the changing of exiles.

Goal #2: Find exiles, connect with them, and have the okay from protectors

Now the question is: What needs to happen before that?

Goal #1: Build Trust Between Self and Protectors

What needs to happen before we can connect and find exiles is building trust between Self and protectors.

Almost all the time, the first parts that we meet are protectors. Most of our life is guided by healthy parts or protectors. So the first thing that needs to happen as we work with this model—with ourselves or with others—is to build a trusting foundation between Self and the protectors.

What Does This Look Like?

Find the relevant protectors: With whatever problem, wish, or hope somebody's coming with, find the protectors that are involved in that, focusing on them, giving them attention, learning more about them.

Unblend from protectors: Then unblending from them so that Self can be present.

Share Self-energy: If Self is present, sharing Self-energy. If there is compassion, curiosity, showing that to the protectors, and thus building a trusting relationship where we can have an interaction.

Make protectors aware of Self: Sometimes this might mean making protectors aware that there is such a thing as the Self, that there is a healthy adult that can actually help.

An Often Underestimated Step

This work—in the courses being led and in sessions with people—people underestimate and want to get over quickly, wanting to get to the exiles as quickly as possible. This step is so essential because without building this trust:

  • The whole system doesn't have faith in the therapist, the coach, but also the Self
  • We need to make sure that Self is present
  • We need to make sure that the protectors are aware of that so they can trust that force

Goal #1: Build trust with protectors

The Natural Flow: How Steps Build on Each Other

From this foundation, it is almost natural to realize that when there is trust between Self and protectors, they will often show the exile. When asked, they will allow connection between Self and exile. They will allow us to help those exiles.

When we've helped those exiles, protectors are happy to change their behavior and let go of certain aspects of their role—or their role completely. They through that develop the trust that Self can help and lead the system.

Actually, all of these steps build on top of each other.

The IFS Therapy Process: Moving Forward

Even though we started from the back and moved backwards, this is the IFS therapy process or therapy approach in a nutshell:

  1. We learn about and build trust with the protectors
  2. We find exiles
  3. We help the exiles
  4. We help the protectors let go of their roles and also their burdens
  5. Through that, over time and overall, we increase self-leadership

This is, speaking forward, the IFS approach to healing.

Conclusion: A Systematic Path to Transformation

By working backwards from the ultimate goal of self-leadership, we can see why each step of the IFS process is essential and how they build systematically on each other.

We don't start with exiles because protectors would never allow it. We don't push protectors to change before they trust Self because they have no reason to relinquish their protective roles. We don't try to establish self-leadership before unburdening exiles because protectors would have to maintain their vigilance against the ongoing vulnerability.

Instead, IFS follows a logical, respectful sequence:

First, we build trust with the protectors who are running the show, showing them there's a Self that can help. Then, with their permission, we connect with the exiles they've been protecting. We help those exiles release their burdens and reclaim their healthy qualities. As the system becomes less vulnerable, protectors can relax their extreme roles and reclaim their own healthy capacities. Finally, with protectors aligned and exiles integrated, Self can take its natural place as the leader of the system.

This systematic approach respects the intelligence of the internal system while providing a clear path from fragmentation and suffering to integration and self-leadership. Each step prepares the ground for the next, creating sustainable transformation rather than temporary relief.

Understanding these goals and their sequence provides the foundation for exploring the specific techniques and nuances of IFS therapy in greater depth—which will be the focus of subsequent explorations of IFS as a therapeutic approach.

Sources

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